I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
