I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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