Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
