Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
