Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
