Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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