I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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