thus making me awesome and them whores
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
