like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
