we have pet lesbian snakes
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
