im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You smell like stripper and shame
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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