ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
