I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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