I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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