Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
