At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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