Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
