Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
A bitchslap is in order.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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