Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
