We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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