just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
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I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
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Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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