i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
