Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
