Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
it's like iHOP with fire
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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