so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
