3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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