She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
This is the prime rib incident all over again
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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