No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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