nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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