i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
