So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
