Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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