you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
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Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
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I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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