how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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