**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
