is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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