I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
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That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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