I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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