the new term for farting is butt boxing.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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