In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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