It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
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I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
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"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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