I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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