My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
