i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
