I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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