I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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