I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
