I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
