maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
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Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
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Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
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