I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
