If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
