this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize