OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
