I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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