TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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