Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Don't tell me you're on acid again
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
