even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
