this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
